The past month has been eventful in a somewhat different way. It hasn't felt dramatic, there has been plenty of emotion, but little anxiety. There are things that need to be done. I hesitate to say fixed. I haven't screwed things up; they're just still in progress. I have a new job as a surf instructor. It doesn't quite pay my bills, but I'm not draining my savings every day I'm here now and I'm getting paid to surf and share something I love. I'm getting used to the pace of life here, although I still get crazy bored during the midday lull. I'm surfing a lot and getting better at it, but I've discovered I'd be better suited for a different board and I haven't been able to justify buying another. It's too hot to run here most days. I go occasionally and spend the next day recovering from the dehydration and sun exposure, but I don't trip out over not running regularly as often.
Things aren't perfect, but the problems are mostly trivial day to day things. Yes, I occasionally wonder where I will be in 6 months. I am well aware of the lack of income I am generating and the limitations that creates. I still check the sports industry job postings every week and feel a bit of guilt or fear or whatever that feelings of 'holy-shit-I-better-do-something-with-my-life-soon' and 'am-I-really-wasting-8-years-of-kicking-my-own-ass-to-get-those-degrees?' would be classified as. I think it's called lingering neuroses from growing up in a narrow minded world view. Those things don't feel any better when they are in focus, but they aren't consuming me. There is less panic, maybe even less judgement, and I think most significantly I am able to move on and to not dwell on the things that cannot be fixed this moment. I've given up planning. I have had enough time to look back on how effective the incessant planning thing has been working for me. It was rather conclusive that it wasn't. My best decisions were always made intuitively in the moment and the ones that hurt me the most were the most premeditated.
The best and hardest part of being here is the perspective I've gotten surrounding some of the key relationships in my life. Distance and time have shown me some things I was doing a very good job of forcibly not seeing and some things I simply couldn't see because I was too entangled in them. Some of the things are painful. I realized how little of a relationship I have left with my father. I'm halfway across the world and I haven't had any contact with him and it feels no different than it has in years. I don't miss him, which sounds terrible. I just don't see him at the climbing gym every weekend to make fun of his climbing technique and make attempts on reassuring him that I'm a responsible adult. It's odd to step back and see that this man who I've spent so much of my life trying to meet his expectations and make him proud has in reality become such a marginalized figure in my life. The idea of him, or rather my idea of his expectations are what have been looming over me for so long. It's something I created.
I've also realized how hard my mother tries to keep the family functioning and how much anxiety and stress she creates for herself in the process. I know I took a lot of that on during high school. Not surprisingly it wasn't the best time of my life. I've actually taken on a lot of my Mom's personality. For instance she goes out of her way to help people and to do things to make others feel special. I admire that and tend to do it as well, but like her I've done it to the point that I feel used or jaded, or simply worn out. Seeing her from afar now as she struggles with my brothers recent legal problems, my father's retirement, his mother's estate, her sister's medical issues....you get my point... I suddenly understand why she sometimes seems to get overwhelmed or cranky at odd times. It's a valuable reminder for me.
Then there is my brother. I love my brother a lot. I don't see him much anymore, but when you grow up moving a lot like we did in a small family, there's no one who can understand your life experience better than a sibling. My brother and I have very little in common on the surface. Our personalities seem to contrast. In private though we're not all that different. We struggle with many of the same things, just with different presentations. My brother left college to go into union trade work, I buried myself in getting multiple degrees. He's currently dealing with some legal issues surrounding alcohol abuse, I've been in and out of rehab for my issues for over 14 years now. We're both struggling to find our places in the world we were raised in, or maybe more accurately the interpretation of the world we were raised to see. I used to envy my brother for bucking the preplanned path through college and doing his own thing. I've realized recently that it was just another version of not knowing what to do. True to form, when faced with uncertainty my default was to do what was expected, his was to dig in his heels and do the opposite. When I found out about my brother's legal problems while I was here I realized something else about our relationship. I recognized that I can't save him or help him. I want to and I think I used to try; covering for him with our parents, intervening when they fought, giving him pep talks. It seems idiotic now. If I did anything it was probably more harm than good. I didn't think of it as trying to save him at the time. I don't think I'm that egotistical. I just cared about him and knew he was struggling. maybe I focused on him because it was easier then focusing on me. Regardless, I know now that I can't help him and I have to let go of the impulse to get involved or upset when he faces the consequences of his struggles. Just like I have to face mine. Sometimes things just suck like that and I'm always going to worry about him a bit. I'm just grateful I'm not our parents. They can't help him either, but I can understand why it's harder for them to let go of the need to try than it is for me.
I've also realized how important certain friends have become in my life and how little it matters what the label placed on the relationship is or whether people think I'm bat-shit crazy when they ask me to explain it and I attempt to. I don't need to know where it's going or what our friendship will look like a year from now or 10 years. Of course I wonder. I hope that the life changes that I'm facing won't put distance between us. Worrying about it does me no good. I don't even have options to debate right now. I'm just lucky I have someone keeping me company as I muddle my way though this. It comes at the cost of some loneliness and a lot of uncertainty, but its a small price to pay.
I'm sure some of these things are obvious to onlookers or sound cliche or generic. (I am after all leaving out specifics). I guess that's the nature of growing up and going through life. I'm learning things a lot of people already know, experiencing things they've been through, but if they'd told me, I still wouldn't have really gotten it. I've got a lot to learn still, but luckily I've also got time and I finally feel like I can take it.
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