Faith and the Art of Winging It

It seems like most of my life I have been surrounded by people who were going places and doing great things. My father impressed upon me at a young age that one must always have goals and be relentless in pursuing them. He taught this by example more than anything and I spent much of my life struggling to live up to that standard and to achieve, achieve, achieve. My father taught me to be methodical; always having a plan and definite steps to take to reach my goals. Going to engineering school was more of the same. I learned to organize these things even more with project deliverables, Gantt charts breaking projects into phases and tasks with specific timetables and carefully ordered execution, bills of materials, and on and on and on. My life had about as much spontaneity and energy as a line of computer code. I was efficient, I achieved a lot. I have the resume to show it (and I have to leave half of it out because it won't fit on one page*).

When I reached the end of all of the preparation, completing both of my degrees with honors, earning awards and recognition for my projects and papers, I realized I had made several major mistakes. For all of my planning and hard work, I missed what was probably the most important step. I had not taken the time to find out what I wanted. I had done all of that work with no real idea of what my goal was and I had plowed through all of those years, filling them to the brim with tasks and work, that I found myself at the end with no idea of where I was or where to go next. My second mistake was that I had allowed myself to fall prey to the idea that all I had to do to get the job of my dreams, was to work hard and do my best in College etc. I did not take into account factors like the economy crashing, the possibility that I would not like traditional engineering jobs, or the simple fact that life isn't fair and it is very often a matter of who you know and not what you know or have done that will get you a job.

To give myself some credit, I realized these things a few years ago, maybe sooner, but had no idea what to do with them as I was already around 4 years into my degree program. The idea of taking time off to reassess things and the possibility of realizing that I might want to abandon my path and waste the time and money spent was too much. And all of it conflicted with the values I'd grown up working to achieve. When I finished my first degree I signed on for the second largely because I had nowhere to go, no job, no destination, and I was stalling for time to figure things out. I had started spending time with a a different group of people, mostly climbers and friends outside of the Engineering lifestyle. These were people who had lived and thought about things far differently than my family. They essentially worked to live as opposed to living to work. They were people I loved and respected, but they didn't fit into the narrow minded ideal of 'success' that I had been indoctrinated into. In retrospect I think that I will look back years from now and know that these people saved my life by planting the idea that I had other options.

I spent my last year of college working at a gear shop, spending all of my time at the local climbing gym, joining my friends in all sorts of outdoor adventure sports, and hanging out and working with my best friend helping with every sort of project you could imagine from planting agarden to refinishing a log cabin, cutting down trees, and even a bit of motorcycle maintenance. I found myself surrounded by people who were doing things and going places and doing it in a way that I had been told was irresponsible. In my family one didn't take a semester off to travel or take a break between degrees. You certainly didn't do things like booking a flight to Costa Rica, leaving everything behind, without a job or a plan. Yet here I am.

When I made the decision to leave, all I really knew was that I had no idea what I was in for. A good friend of mine has told me often that when you put things out to the world, it has a way of bringing things back to you. I tried that a bit before I left and found that it might be true. Costa Rica to that was a bit like dipping your toe in the river to check the temperature and then throwing yourself off the 50 foot waterfall downstream. My friend is always right though. Things have worked out. Since I have been here I was 'rescued' from the red-light district of San Jose and found myself on an incredible tour of the rural areas of CR where I got to see people and things no tourist would have ever gotten to experience. I stumbled upon one of the most incredible and little known surfing Meccas in CR chasing after a lead the same friend had drummed up for me before I left the state. At the hostel i stayed at the first week I met JP who became one of my best friends here and my roommate and surf buddy. A friend of a friend introduced me to Luis who I now rent a room from, and who constantly teaches me things about CR and surfing, and who shows up at the oddest times with exactly what I needed (a bike, a possible job). I got a job as a surf instructor through a friend, found a surf board shaper who is now asking me to work at his shop and might teach me how to shape. I got nominated for a modeling contest and found a photographer here through my surfing contacts. I couldn't plan any of this if I tried.



I haven't made a plan in months and yet here I am. I have an incredible job where I get to work with interesting people, I get to be outside, I get paid to surf! It is the most rewarding thing I have done in a long time and it's supporting me being out here. (Well mostly, I do dip into the savings now and then, but that's what they are for right?) I have a place to stay with good friends. I have opportunities to pursue. And above all I am having fun every day. The anxiety I lived with day in and day out is mostly gone. My life feels not only manageable, but enjoyable. And it is all completely out of my control; unplanned, unforced, unpredictable. I love that. I love the spontaneity and the fact that I can have faith that things will work out. I've never had that before. At the risk of overusing my surfing metaphors, I feel like I did when I realized that I couldn't plan taking a wave. I had to ride what I was given and react. I can't fight the ocean and win anymore than I can fight life and change it. Years ago that would have been terrifying for me; realizing I wasn't in control. Now it's a relief. There's a sense of freedom in it and a excitement and anticipation of taking on the challenge of taking what comes to me and riding it and seeing where I end up.