Shooting Stars and A Break in the Static

If you've been following my posts, or maybe if you've known me long enough to get through my tough-girl, overly organized, perhaps even confident alter-ego persona, you have probably figured out that I have some serious issues with identifying and knowing what I want or even need. Often even simple decisions with no consequences to speak of can be difficult for me; things like birthday wishes or playing 20 Questions. Decisions about more complex things can be downright terrifying. You see, I plan too much, so every potential option trickles down into more decisions and consequences and branches into whole new scenarios... waaay too much thinking, way too much commitment for someone who doesn't know what their ultimate goal is, where she wants to be, or what she wants to do. Being unable to make a decision to move towards something means that every decision feels more like an act of eliminating numerous opportunities than embracing one. It feels like backing yourself into a corner.

When I made the decision to take this trip, I made it on impulse and I made it so far ahead that it didn't feel real enough to have consequences. I didn't plan it, and I didn't really even think about it until a month before I left, at which point I did a fair amount of stressing out and second guessing. More significantly though, I started eliminating distractions, things I could use as an excuse to give up or prevent myself from becoming immersed in the experience. (Sometimes I think I should have left my laptop as well, but I'll leave that as it is for now. Somehow I don't think cutting all ties is any healthier than holding on to too many). Now that I am here with no job, no school to return to, no apartment needing to be sublet or appointments to be kept, I'm finding myself with very few contrived criteria to base my decisions on. I don't have a schedule, so I don't have to drag myself out of bed early to run in the dark and cold when my body wants none of it. I don't have to cram social events in between shifts at Moosejaw, job hunting, and study sessions (or vice versa).

I am facing having to make daily, simple decisions based upon how I feel and what I want, and it has been hard to get used to. I have used all sorts of strange criteria to try to have logical reasons for what I'm doing like 'The tide is too low to surf now.' as if I'm good enough for it to matter, or 'If I do that now I'll have to reapply sunscreen and it's expensive here' which erally meant I don';t feel like it and I'm judgmental so I'd feel lazy if I don't find some justification. The last couple of days I've started to feel just a bit more comfortable with this new pace of life. I've slept in. My roommate even commented to me that I seemed to have chilled out a bit. (Not that it takes a lot to meet that criteria, but I'm stoked it's even noticeable).

 Full moon in Santa Teresa

I didn't really notice things changing until last night though. I'd been talking to a friend online and after saying goodnight I suddenly felt this intense sadness, not an unpleasant feeling, just the kind of sadness that comes from missing someone you love. I was tired, but couldn't sleep so I went outside and laid in the hammock on the porch with a view of a clear night's sky through breaks in the trees. I sat for an hour or so with my thoughts drifting, listening to the roar of the distant surf and watching the sky. I almost missed the tiny streak of light passing through a gap in the palm fronds: a shooting star. Almost before I knew what I was seeing I had made a wish. There was no thinking involved, no logical reasoning. I knew exactly what I wanted in that moment. It may seem incredibly trivial,  we are talking after all about a child's tradition, but for me it is a notable change and a small triumph. Maybe this crazy quest I'm on is working. Maybe by eliminating some of the static, the artificial values and guidelines, I'm allowing myself to relearn how to know what I want. Childish or not, I'm taking that little glimmer of hope in the form of some burning space debris and I'm going to hold onto it. And if my wish does come true, that will just be a bonus.