A Different Kind of Life

It has been a long time since I have written. Sorry about that. I am still living in Costa Rica. I've picked up a few more jobs, learned a lot, and lived a lot. I've learned that I don't have to force things or fight all of the time. It is possible for things to work out without that level of anxiety. That doesn't mean that things take care of themselves, only that I cannot hurry them along by stressing and worrying. If I am doing the work to be prepared, if I am watching and talking to people, if I am exploring actively, the opportunities show up. They don't do it on my time and they are rarely exactly what I was looking for. Sometimes they are better. Sometimes good enough. Sometimes they don't fit at all but they are a means to an end or a stop-gap. Where I run into trouble is the situations where I mentally have no flexibility in what I am looking for. Looking for perfect doesn't work. Looking for yes or no, black or white, have or have not... Those are the the things that leave me frustrated and disappointed. True to my new surfer girl life, I can think of no better metaphor than this: If you go out surfing with the image of the perfect wave, looking for that specific wave, you will never find what you are looking for. You will never get exactly that one left-hand bomb with the perfect shape, just the right speed, and the clean, glassy face held up by a light off-shore breeze. And if you are attached to the idea of riding that one wave, you will be disappointed, even if just a little, by every other wave out there. Anyone who surfs knows that a good surf day is what you make of it. You learn to ride it all, left, right, mushy, pitching, blown out, stormy, small, big, open, or closed out, because the more you can ride, the better and the more joy there is to be had on any given day.

 To get you up to speed, in the past few months since I have written I have accumulated at least 4 jobs and counting. I don't always break even, especially now that the tourism has slowed down. I teach surf lessons every chance I get. I have a talent for it apparently, or so my students say. Actually so say my employers and even some of the locals who have just watched me teaching. This is good because I love teaching. I get a lot of repeat customers too which is the best since it give me a chance to really be a part of people's surfing experience and I feel like I've really given them something of value. I also teach math lessons here. While it may not sound as exciting as spending a few hours in the surf on a beautiful beach teaching people to ride, I have to admit it feels really good to work with a girl who had decided math just wasn't for her and to suddenly have her not only excelling at it, but being excited and curious about new topics as well.

I also work at a surf shop, mostly just manning the counter, helping people pick out their new stick, waxing up rental boards, arguing about prices... (I am so not used to prices being negotiable, and I don't own the shop so quit asking me!) The owner of the shop is a talented local board shaper and for who knows what reason when I asked him if he'd teach me he agreed to show me the ropes. I've started the process doing ding repair, meaning I am learning to work with epoxy and poly foam boards, patch fiberglass and sand the repairs back into the original shape. It's dusty, messy work and there is something inherently nerve-wracking about going at someone's several hundred dollar chunk of glass covered foam with an electric sander, but I love it. I've always liked working with my hands, so it's not a bad fit for me at all. I've just started doing boards for paying customers and I have to admit I'm still a little scared when people show up to pick up their boards, and then relieved when they are happy with them. I've gotten a lot better, but I still oversand, end up with air bubbles in the resin, or don't quite get the resin-wax-catalyst ratio right and have to retouch or even redo steps. Like my surfing though, it gets better every time and I feel good about the process (most of the time).

 
I feel like I'm building a life here. I have opportunities I doubt I could have hoped for back in the States and  definitely wasn't finding in Michigan. I love the community here. Above all I love the surfing. I've had so many sports and activities in my life that I enjoyed, but nothing has come close to what surfing has been for me. There is so much here that feels right for me, but at the same time I'm incredibly torn. You see, I've always been a huge believer that the people in our lives make the difference; that it is always the people and not the place that make a life or an experience rich and happy. I still believe that, but I find myself looking at a life that I love, that feels so much better than it has for years, but that centers around a small remote surf town in Costa Rica while the most important person in my life, my best friend, and the person I have loved more than anyone else is back in Michigan for the foreseeable, long term future.

 I feel like I've been given a box of jigsaw pieces that come from two different puzzles and they won't fit together no matter how badly I want them to match up. For months I've been cycling between ignoring it and hoping something comes up to make it work and feeling like I have to choose and struggling with the guilt that I selfishly do not want to leave what I have here. I worry knowing that if I were to go back I would be doing it knowing that I would be trading a lifestyle that I love with good people, work I find fulfilling (but not lucrative enough to afford to make the trips to sustain a long distance relationship long term), opportunities to learn and do things I'm interested in, and far more freedom in almost every aspect of life than I had stateside, for a single, incredible person. I don't want to place the burden of my happiness on one person like that. I truly believe that that cannot be sustainable no matter how strong the relationship is. And I don't want to hurt him or mislead him. I don't know what I am doing or where life is taking me and he deserves better than to be strung along indefinitely. I want him to be happy and I know that I can't do that for him right now. I don't know if I ever will. I do hope that someday I will be at a point in my life that I can. Maybe if I am incredibly lucky he will still be there when I am. I hope he knows that I love him even though I'm not able to show it like I want to now. I don't know how to live in two worlds, but I don't know how to choose between them either.