I've been here a little over 2 weeks now and I want to say things are incredible. I want to rave about the surfing and the cool people I am meeting and how much I love it here and never want to leave. But I can't. The surfing is indeed great, and challenging, but after 10 days of surfing usually for at least 4 hours a day I am craving something different. I've lost interest. I'm getting hurt being impatient, and I'm having to force myself to go out. Beyond that there's little to do here.
Life in a tourist town is expensive and I'm uncomfortable knowing I'm spending money and not making any. the locals seem to be content to sleep all day, smoke marijuana, and work a few hours between surf sessions. Most of them work in the tourist industry doing things like renting boards or managing a property, sometimes tutoring visiting students. There is very little industry, few opportunities for work. I'm struggling with some guilt issues too. I know I came here to learn how to live differently, and I knew it wouldn't be easy. Today I'm wondering if I can do it. Can I live a life that isn't productive, a life of simple subsistence? I'm not really doing that right now either since I'm living on my savings, but the question remains. I've considered starting a pole studio here, but that voice in the back of my head keeps telling me what a fuck up I would be if I did that and wasted the two degrees and 8 years of hard work to earn them. I know I'm capable, I just don't know what I want. And when I don't know what I want I tend to grasp onto being productive and useful to others to save me from feeling worthless.
Here in Costa Rica surfing and doing nothing at all I feel incredibly worthless. I feel like a failure. And I'm not coping with it well. I'm finding myself lonely and isolated, in part by language barriers and this odd separation between locals and tourists, in part by my own depression. I'm struggling with my eating disorder. And a lot of me just wants to go home. Well, not really to go home, since there is no home anymore. There is no going back. That phase of my life with school, part-time work, and stalling the inevitable need to make a decision about the next phase of my life has passed. I don't think this trip was an attempt on my part to continue stalling. I think it was a desperate huck for a handhold I didn't know if I could reach, hoping that even if it went wrong I'd come away knowing something more. So far I haven't discovered anything I didn't already know. I've had some interesting experiences, but overall I've just reiterated the fact that you can't run from your demons. They follow you no matter what exotic country you run off to. My struggles with self worth and lack of direction and motivation are as oppressive here as ever. And I feel guilty about that. Here I've created this opportunity for myself and I don't feel like I'm living up to it. I didn't think I had any expectations about all of this, but apparently I did somewhere in the back of my mind. How else could I feel so disappointed in myself right now.
I just wish I knew what I was waiting for. It feels like waiting anyway. I've tried just doing in the hopes I'd stumble upon something. Now I'm trying waiting. Neither is working. I am unhappy doing nothing. I don't know if that's okay or not. I don't think I'm okay. I feel like time is running out. And I don't know how to fix myself and be a responsible adult at the same time. I must have missed something important in the growing up process, back when there was a safety net. I don't consider myself an immature person, but today I feel like a child.
Love you.
ReplyDeleteKelsey, I’m blown away by how eloquently and openly you expressed yourself in this post. You put into words what many of us have felt on and off during our lives, but couldn’t articulate. You hit the nail on the head. Our demons follow us, even into paradise. So hold them at bay and enjoy all Costa Rica has to offer. Sometimes doing nothing IS a good thing, especially for a young lady who has worked so hard all these years. Cut yourself some slack! Enjoying your posts and pics. Keep them coming...
ReplyDeleteEnjoy the swells of nothing to do and remember that you aren't off of your path, you're just walking the easiest part and that can be boring. I've met few people that are as motivated as you. The first time I ever saw you was when you scaled a high level 5.10 in a foot cast. I remember being impressed and telling my friends about this "bad ass girl I saw at the gym." you're still a bad ass and I still brag ahoy being friends with you: now more than ever.
ReplyDeleteI don't know why I can't comment on the original post... but here is a reply to it.
DeleteKels,
This is life. It is not easy, you sometimes have to walk around with a queasy feeling in your stomach for weeks. The thing that has helped, that I learned when I was in a situation with way to much time and not enough to do or enough friends around, what I learned was to live in the moment. Every time you start to stress ask yourself can what is bothering me be fixed right now. If it is that you are hungry, cold, thirsty, or bored. Fix it right then. If it is none of those things that it is not an immediate threat to your life. So don't worry about it. You can plan a little. But don't let the destination become all you think about. The journey, or better, the step in the journey that you find yourself on right now, that is the only moment you are promised. The one you are currently living. So live. Enjoy every breathe. Make yourself enjoy every breathe, walk thru the queasy I don't know what I am doing with myself feeling and keep on walking.
If there are people in your life who you feel like expect you to be doing something else, working a real job getting a phD. Realize that if you asked them to give you permission to enjoy the journey instead of stressing about getting to a certain point. They would ALL give you the permission to do it. Now all you need is to give your self permission.
xoxoxo
(read The power of Now by Eckart Tolle)
J.Mamma